i crave escapism, all the time. that's why i'm taking writing (hopefully) at uni. i want to learn the formula for writing in order to write with structure and contain the thoughts and day dreams that pass in and out of my brain.
right now, i need escapism more than ever. have you ever felt that when something is really bothering and you can't stop talking about it that all you think about is how you shouldn't talk about it, which makes you want to talk about it even more. i don't know if that's just me but i'm sure there must be others out there that feel the same.
The worst thing at this moment in time is that escapism is just around the corner, soon i'll be in place tucked almost completely out of the way of the world. i'll feel safe but also guilty. Unfortunately being related to my father, i inherited his selfish streak. i've been told because i acknowledge it that i can't truly be as bad as him and that the guilt i feel shows remorse at being selfish which in a way, counter balances the selfishness. i don't know if it does but it doesn't feel like it.
By reaching for escapism, am i abandoning my duty? my responsibilties that i have chosen to accept and have been working hard for to support those around me. what do i do? what can i do? i'm still pretty young and i know that soon enough a time will come when i don't have the support i have now and will have to deal with situations such as this with the strength of my mother. which i don't have.
Today i'm saying goodbye. goodbye to someone who isn't gone in body but to someone who has left me before now. even though this is the case, how can i leave her? how can i leave my mother to lose another person she loves?
I'm not sure if the guilt will be enough. i've felt this guilt twice before but this one now is even more potent. the heart break has already happened but i know there's more to come.
escapism seems to be a haven for me. yet everything i think of leads me back to you. i was told that now i have to live for two but as the years go on, how many more will i have to live for? to be truly selfish i think you must be free of guilt. i am not free of guilt in any way, which leads me to conclude that i know nothing truly about what i am capable of. i long to be away and it looks like i'm going. if i could give you a week of my life i'd do it in a heartbeat. and the promise i made, the promise you remind me of even on your deathbed, i think that i am definately too selfish to fulfill it. yet you said you could have done it for me and you never did. so maybe i'm just as selfish and addicted as you. maybe i am living for you too, history repeats itself. i'll see you on the other side.