this blog has turned out to be pretty morbid. sorry. i find a lot of words can't be said aloud, that's why i write cards. i have a few more to write but they won't be any easier than the others. is it silly that i wear your ring to sleep in? i'm not sure.
i don't enjoy goodbyes. hopefully a lot of them won't be goodbyes but like the cards, they are still just as tough.
i'm feeling pretty grim at the moment. it's very early in the morning and i can't sleep. i'm too worked up. i miss you. but i'm not sure about someone and i would have liked your opinion. you loved them and i loved them but that is one goodbye that seems to have come just in time.
this is driving me mad and i don't like that this has become a way of communicating with you.
i want to get something pierced.
Saturday 19 September 2009
Wednesday 12 August 2009
Well it's over. Your body is dust and you no longer exist. I can't believe that was you in that box, cold and breathless. When I saw it, I pictured you lying inside. I pictured you with your eyes shut yet still absorbing the surroundings you grew up in and saw with living eyes.
It hurts so much to know that I’ll never look upon you again, that I’ll never hold your hand or laugh with you. Your body is dust and although you're in my mind, it feels now that you never walked this earth because I have no remains to visit it's hard to imagine your presence.
I’m replaying the memories I have of you in my head and as it said on the program, you were certainly “devoted”. Although you had a son, I was your daughter and even my mother knew that and told you so on the day I was born.
You’re death, to me, heralds the beginning of many deaths to come. When you died, one of my thoughts was who’s next? It sounds morbid but now it has begun, I’m waiting for the next set of phone calls detailing the passing of someone else I care about. And it’s hard. I’ve already lost one mother, how can I bear to lose my own?
All those things you wanted to see, university, marriage, a child. All the smaller things we said we’d do, shopping, a meal, sight seeing. All these unfulfilled. We are the queen’s of the false promise. And I’m not angry; I just find it hard to believe we ran out of time. But it’s ok, I’ll see you later.
It hurts so much to know that I’ll never look upon you again, that I’ll never hold your hand or laugh with you. Your body is dust and although you're in my mind, it feels now that you never walked this earth because I have no remains to visit it's hard to imagine your presence.
I’m replaying the memories I have of you in my head and as it said on the program, you were certainly “devoted”. Although you had a son, I was your daughter and even my mother knew that and told you so on the day I was born.
You’re death, to me, heralds the beginning of many deaths to come. When you died, one of my thoughts was who’s next? It sounds morbid but now it has begun, I’m waiting for the next set of phone calls detailing the passing of someone else I care about. And it’s hard. I’ve already lost one mother, how can I bear to lose my own?
All those things you wanted to see, university, marriage, a child. All the smaller things we said we’d do, shopping, a meal, sight seeing. All these unfulfilled. We are the queen’s of the false promise. And I’m not angry; I just find it hard to believe we ran out of time. But it’s ok, I’ll see you later.
Friday 31 July 2009
i crave escapism, all the time. that's why i'm taking writing (hopefully) at uni. i want to learn the formula for writing in order to write with structure and contain the thoughts and day dreams that pass in and out of my brain.
right now, i need escapism more than ever. have you ever felt that when something is really bothering and you can't stop talking about it that all you think about is how you shouldn't talk about it, which makes you want to talk about it even more. i don't know if that's just me but i'm sure there must be others out there that feel the same.
The worst thing at this moment in time is that escapism is just around the corner, soon i'll be in place tucked almost completely out of the way of the world. i'll feel safe but also guilty. Unfortunately being related to my father, i inherited his selfish streak. i've been told because i acknowledge it that i can't truly be as bad as him and that the guilt i feel shows remorse at being selfish which in a way, counter balances the selfishness. i don't know if it does but it doesn't feel like it.
By reaching for escapism, am i abandoning my duty? my responsibilties that i have chosen to accept and have been working hard for to support those around me. what do i do? what can i do? i'm still pretty young and i know that soon enough a time will come when i don't have the support i have now and will have to deal with situations such as this with the strength of my mother. which i don't have.
Today i'm saying goodbye. goodbye to someone who isn't gone in body but to someone who has left me before now. even though this is the case, how can i leave her? how can i leave my mother to lose another person she loves?
I'm not sure if the guilt will be enough. i've felt this guilt twice before but this one now is even more potent. the heart break has already happened but i know there's more to come.
escapism seems to be a haven for me. yet everything i think of leads me back to you. i was told that now i have to live for two but as the years go on, how many more will i have to live for? to be truly selfish i think you must be free of guilt. i am not free of guilt in any way, which leads me to conclude that i know nothing truly about what i am capable of. i long to be away and it looks like i'm going. if i could give you a week of my life i'd do it in a heartbeat. and the promise i made, the promise you remind me of even on your deathbed, i think that i am definately too selfish to fulfill it. yet you said you could have done it for me and you never did. so maybe i'm just as selfish and addicted as you. maybe i am living for you too, history repeats itself. i'll see you on the other side.
right now, i need escapism more than ever. have you ever felt that when something is really bothering and you can't stop talking about it that all you think about is how you shouldn't talk about it, which makes you want to talk about it even more. i don't know if that's just me but i'm sure there must be others out there that feel the same.
The worst thing at this moment in time is that escapism is just around the corner, soon i'll be in place tucked almost completely out of the way of the world. i'll feel safe but also guilty. Unfortunately being related to my father, i inherited his selfish streak. i've been told because i acknowledge it that i can't truly be as bad as him and that the guilt i feel shows remorse at being selfish which in a way, counter balances the selfishness. i don't know if it does but it doesn't feel like it.
By reaching for escapism, am i abandoning my duty? my responsibilties that i have chosen to accept and have been working hard for to support those around me. what do i do? what can i do? i'm still pretty young and i know that soon enough a time will come when i don't have the support i have now and will have to deal with situations such as this with the strength of my mother. which i don't have.
Today i'm saying goodbye. goodbye to someone who isn't gone in body but to someone who has left me before now. even though this is the case, how can i leave her? how can i leave my mother to lose another person she loves?
I'm not sure if the guilt will be enough. i've felt this guilt twice before but this one now is even more potent. the heart break has already happened but i know there's more to come.
escapism seems to be a haven for me. yet everything i think of leads me back to you. i was told that now i have to live for two but as the years go on, how many more will i have to live for? to be truly selfish i think you must be free of guilt. i am not free of guilt in any way, which leads me to conclude that i know nothing truly about what i am capable of. i long to be away and it looks like i'm going. if i could give you a week of my life i'd do it in a heartbeat. and the promise i made, the promise you remind me of even on your deathbed, i think that i am definately too selfish to fulfill it. yet you said you could have done it for me and you never did. so maybe i'm just as selfish and addicted as you. maybe i am living for you too, history repeats itself. i'll see you on the other side.
Monday 23 February 2009
I want this summer to be really good. And i know building things up in your mind generally leads to disappointment, but i think i'll do it anyway because for now it's the only thing left keeping me going through school!
1. I want to go on holiday! I want to go anywhere, england, france, bulgaria, anglesey! anywhere. I want somewhere with sun, somewhere where i can drink, somewhere with friends and somewhere where i can afford to eat. I just want that feeling you get on holiday when you feel like you have no responsibility. When the sun warms your blood and makes you feel unreasonably happy. I'm desperate! I need to leave england, even if it's just for a week!
2. I want awesome days out. If i get into uni i'll be going down south so i want to enjoy all the stuff i took for granted now. Like the zoo! I want to find nice quiet places where we can take pack lunches, piss about and create really funny stories that make you smile to look back on them. (In my mind these days are ALL sunny, so either it better be a fucking record breaking summer or we check the forecasts.)
3. I want the best leeds festival yet. Leeds has steadily been getting more fun every year we go, i don't want the trend to be ruined! There's just something in those disgusting muddy fields that makes it the highlight of my year! I want more dancing, more drinking, more singing, more smokey tiiiimes ;), less sleep and more sexies. We can do it guys! We can make it the best leeds ever! Woo! I just really love living in fields.
4. I want to make memories. I want some spontaneous, craaazy trips out that i obviously can't plan but think about all the same.
5. I also want more tattoos :)
All that sounds really demanding but it's not meant to be. And maybe it's really petty i don't know, but i want everyone to have a good time and i want to have a good time too. Hmm. Not sure. I think i need to get drunk.
1. I want to go on holiday! I want to go anywhere, england, france, bulgaria, anglesey! anywhere. I want somewhere with sun, somewhere where i can drink, somewhere with friends and somewhere where i can afford to eat. I just want that feeling you get on holiday when you feel like you have no responsibility. When the sun warms your blood and makes you feel unreasonably happy. I'm desperate! I need to leave england, even if it's just for a week!
2. I want awesome days out. If i get into uni i'll be going down south so i want to enjoy all the stuff i took for granted now. Like the zoo! I want to find nice quiet places where we can take pack lunches, piss about and create really funny stories that make you smile to look back on them. (In my mind these days are ALL sunny, so either it better be a fucking record breaking summer or we check the forecasts.)
3. I want the best leeds festival yet. Leeds has steadily been getting more fun every year we go, i don't want the trend to be ruined! There's just something in those disgusting muddy fields that makes it the highlight of my year! I want more dancing, more drinking, more singing, more smokey tiiiimes ;), less sleep and more sexies. We can do it guys! We can make it the best leeds ever! Woo! I just really love living in fields.
4. I want to make memories. I want some spontaneous, craaazy trips out that i obviously can't plan but think about all the same.
5. I also want more tattoos :)
All that sounds really demanding but it's not meant to be. And maybe it's really petty i don't know, but i want everyone to have a good time and i want to have a good time too. Hmm. Not sure. I think i need to get drunk.
Wednesday 4 February 2009
Do you not find that snow brings out a childlike joy in 90% of people? Only those who are elderly, frail or without a soul could be upset about snow. It might be just me, but there must be others who become instilled with sheer joy at the prospect of a snow day!
I'm desperate for a snow day like you don't understand! Emma and Rachel both had the day off and i was insanely jealous. They got to play in the snow, sleep, watch films and flight of the conchords etc while i had CLOD (classics lesson of doom) without them. The fuckers. I think what made it so much worse was that i'd got my hopes up about a snow day, so being deprieved of it just made me angry.
Yet as i was walking home, with Evan Dando ringing in my ears, i couldn't resist jumping in the last remnants of snow on the path. See, even though i was mad at the lack of snow, i just couldn't stay upset at it! The bastard, bastard snow won me over and made me happy all over again!
I think i'll just focus my anger at the fact i didn't get a day off rather than at the snow itself. And also maybe at York university too. Who have not told me a single thing about me going there, making the difficult match of portsmouth (supercool city, close to london, far from home) vs. york (cultural city, closer to home and everyone else, but just a bigger version of chester) very very hard to consider properly!! Goddammit. So, maybe i will just focus on resenting them in order not to become completely bitter and twisted!
I'm desperate for a snow day like you don't understand! Emma and Rachel both had the day off and i was insanely jealous. They got to play in the snow, sleep, watch films and flight of the conchords etc while i had CLOD (classics lesson of doom) without them. The fuckers. I think what made it so much worse was that i'd got my hopes up about a snow day, so being deprieved of it just made me angry.
Yet as i was walking home, with Evan Dando ringing in my ears, i couldn't resist jumping in the last remnants of snow on the path. See, even though i was mad at the lack of snow, i just couldn't stay upset at it! The bastard, bastard snow won me over and made me happy all over again!
I think i'll just focus my anger at the fact i didn't get a day off rather than at the snow itself. And also maybe at York university too. Who have not told me a single thing about me going there, making the difficult match of portsmouth (supercool city, close to london, far from home) vs. york (cultural city, closer to home and everyone else, but just a bigger version of chester) very very hard to consider properly!! Goddammit. So, maybe i will just focus on resenting them in order not to become completely bitter and twisted!
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